Chapter I-Lost from Within

Preface addendum: This is a raw story of my faith journey which only recently began during the spring of 2018. My documentary impulse while writing this was to share a series of testimonials about my spiritual struggles since that time in hopes that these stories can help others.

On a cold winter night in March of 2018, I ventured outside hoping to find one moment of inner peace. As I flicked my lighter, to welcome the cigarette smoke, childhood memories raced through my head. Family dinners after church on Sunday, summer weeks at Bible camp, and soccer games at school brought an abbreviated smile to my face. On the inside, however, emotions of anger, frustration, and grief lingered. The feeling of loneliness matching the lifelessness of the night crept over these memories. While taking a long drag to ease the distress, the bright orange cigarette cherry lit up the surrounding darkness. Flashbacks of playing flip cup, darts, and beer pong from young adulthood late into the night returned. With torment dancing along the specter shadows from the glowing moon, every thought became disorienting. All of a sudden, a big gust of wind blew lit ashes everywhere while extinguishing the cigarette. At that moment, the sensation of need overwhelmed me. I need some sense of direction. Lord, please help me.

Later, I sat surrounded amongst the quiet solitude of my room. I pulled my phone out of a sweatshirt pocket to watch a video on YouTube. While typing in the search bar, a biography for Billy Graham appeared. My eardrums welcomed the joyous idyllic passage of words within the hymn “Amazing Grace.” While listening, the powerful lyrics sung by Wintley Phipps transitioned into a guided inflection which echoed into the intricate fibers of my soul. The childhood memories of attending church services started piercing through each thought. Once again, a pleasant expression came over my face shrinking the pain from within. Then, a profuse lustrous sunbeam perforated the clouds. The vivid light reflecting off of the snow to the trees forced my brown pupils to squint. As each eye closed to escape the emitting beam of light, a warm green meadow far off in the distance became visible. The sounds of repeated chanting from the classic hymn grew louder. Each reverberating intonation pushed me forward until a tremendous floodgate opened. Tears poured from my eyes soaking the pillowcase which my head fell upon. The burdensome weights of loneliness, sorrow, fear, embarrassment, and internal suffering all broke free at once. Sobbing and gasping for air between gushes of tears running down my face like a swift flowing brook, I began to pray. Thanking God for awakening me from my sinful slumber, I accepted Him as my Lord and Savior in March of 2018. My journey had just begun.

Stay tuned for Chapter II…